FormerSingleMom's Site

I knew something was amiss

Mar 23, 2009

When I was young, I thought, wow, life was great! And then I slowly realized that, hey, maybe we weren't quite normal, maybe there was something wrong with us, as a family, I mean. I saw other families, and began to question, they had parents, so where was ours? But then I was too innocent (or was I ignorant?) to notice (or to care). So here I am, former single mom of two. Mom to two of my siblings, and former 'coz I already got hitched late last year (Yey! three cheers for me!) so now I'm raising three instead of two. Hahaha. Oh well. I will always refer to my sibling as the Kids, and my hubby the Engineer. Just so you understand where I'm coming from. So there. If you're still reading my verbal diarrhea, I hope you get it. And have fun at my site!

Tags: banana split, childhood, dog, family, job, keinne, monsters, pet, riyadh, valentine's [ Show All Tags ]

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Off to Zamboanga I go

May 8, '10 1:37 AM
for everyone

Not for a vacation. Not on leisure. Not for a cultural immersion.

Not with the Engineer. Not with the kids. Not with workmates or friends.

Not really sure. Not really comfortable yet. Not without doubts.

I have recently accepted a job offer from another company which presented a step higher in my career ladder, a compensation package a couple of years ahead than my present, and a whole lot of benefits I didn't know existed. The catch? I have to move to Zamboanga del Norte.

Well, not exactly for good. I just have to spend six weeks on site, then I can have a two-week paid vacation, (they provide my ticket and transportation - told you it was a neat package) before I go back for another six weeks of work.

But the fact is, I have to be away from my Engineer. I have to not see my kids (I already rarely see them as it is). And I am way out of my comfort zone.

So why take it?

I have always believed in following my growth. It is not to say that I am no longer growing in my present job, because truth be told, I am still learning a lot, every single day. I have respected a lot of people in my current job, and have continued to see these people in a new light. I have been given opportunities I have never thought I could have, I have met so many people from so many walks of life. But like I said - I just want to follow my growth.

I feel this is big leap, and I can't say that I haven't thought of it as going a little too over my head. But HE has given me this opportunity, out of nowhere, out of nothing. HE has led me to the day when I had to choose between my comfort zone and a possible career leap. Mind you, this isn't the first time he did it, too. HE did the same with my present job, asking me to take that big leap of faith - and it did not disappoint me. So am I ready to take this next deep plunge?

I have my reservations. After all, no career move is entirely risk-free. I have fears that it may not be healthy for my relationship with my Engineer. That it may put more strain on my relationship with my kids. That I may have difficulty adjusting with the new environment, with the new set of people I have to work with. But then again, like I said, it is for my growth. And that maybe, with complete trust, all of these fears are actually part of the growth.

Maybe my relationship with the Engineer grow stronger and more mature. The fact that he won't see me everyday is difficult, but will it bring stronger bonds? Growth in mutual trust and even create a little more -ehem- longing? So that when we do spend the whole two weeks together during our vacation, it will be more passionate, that we may appreciate each other's company even more, and time together even more?

Will the feared strain on my relationship with the kids instead cause me to finally learn to let go of them? To finally let me realize that they can do things on their own, without me to constantly guide them and teach them (or, in short, without me breathing down their necks all the time)?

Should the fear of adjusting to the new environment and to the new workmates stop me from exploring new friends, new opportunities, new venues for improving myself, and my way with people?

Hmmmm

m.

I am taking that leap. And I am going to take charge of this move. I have faith that HE will not lead me to a place where I am not meant to be in. I am going because I know HE will take care of me, and the people I will be temporarily leaving behind. Because I know that HE has created this opportunity, especially for me, and that HE knows for sure I can whether any storm HE will throw my way. HE always has, after all. And HE has never failed me, nor forsaken me.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. In my social relationships, in my job, in my family affairs. It seems like HE wants me to move on and learn from these mistakes and keep pushing forward to be the best that I can be. I wish with all of my heart that I have heard HIS messages correctly, so far. And though it still feels like the first moments before you jump from a cliff - you know, racing heart, stomach churning and all - I know that a t the end of the fall, HE has something safe, and warm and rewarding waiting for me. All I have to do is jump.

So there. I hope I made sense in all this babbling. See you from the other side!

xox

Tags: zamboanga, leap, engineer, relationships, kids, family, job

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Not-So-Valentine-date

Feb 15, '10 12:05 AM
for everyone

Most of my friends from the other social network sites have barely wiped the sleep from their eyes and already are posting updates on last night's activities. So in this case, I might as well follow suit, to talk about my valentine date - or lack of it.

You see, every year, on St. Valentine's Day, we celebrate another special occasion, the birthday of my baby sister - one of my kids. So I am kinda used to the idea that this day is for the kids and the family, to share slices of cake, after a home-cooked meal. We can watch movies together, either in the cinemas or just rent 5 movies to watch til day break.

This year, however is different. It's the first ever birthday of my little girl away from home, away from me. And my heart breaks at the thought of it. In fact it still does. That I couldn't even hug or kiss her a happy birthday. Or cook her favorite ulam, and enjoy with her a slice of her favorite cake. But I'm taking it a step at a time, so they say. And just letting my poor mommy heart ache until I accept the fact that they've grown up.

And so, unfair it is to say, I have spent my whole valentine's day with the engineer. And about 70 students and their guidance counselor. Yes - I was working. The whole day.

I was invited as a resource speaker for a seminar and grabbed it, perfectly aware of the date and the festivities of the fateful Feb 14. So I was talking my day away, imparting my knowledge to these kids in the way I know best.

And there he was - The Engineer, just sitting there. Assisting me with my visual aids, with the chairs, and with the hundred other thinga-ma-jiggs you can find in activities like these. I was wearing heels all day, I have travelled for 2 and a half hours to get to the venue, I haven't slept well the night before because I had to re-construct my presentation which I made in advance but was destroyed when my laptop crashed. I felt terrible not being able to fit into the skirt I chose for the talk, I was cranky because of the late arrival of the projector I was supposed to use, and to tell you honestly, didn't feel that the participants were very "into" the talk (maybe they were cranky for being required to attend the seminar on valentine's day, too?).

But The Engineer was there, calmly tweeking with the sound system, smiling as he was plugging and un-plugging cables, carrying tables, pushing whiteboards and running around to get me bottled water, or hand me my props, or his hanky to wipe the sweat off my forehead.

He didn't nag me about him having to travel all the way to the venue coz he wanted to carry my bags of equipment with me. He didn't even talk about the heat or the long hours, he didn't even mind that we ate at a carenderia for lunch (there were no restaurants near the venue, yes, it was in the barrios) and that I immediately wanted to drop on the bed when we arrived home. That meant I wasn't able to cook dinner, or even able to go out to have a decent valentine's evening date because I was dead tired, even if I knew he wanted so much to take me out.

He just turned on the TV for some white noise (it's always too quiet now that the kids are grown up and have their own worlds), signaled for me to lie on his lap and kissed my forehead. And he whispered - and this is how I know I married a wonderful man - You were extraordinary today. He told me how wonderful I was with the kids, how effective a speaker I was. He told me that I was gifted, and that he LOVES me so much.

I wanted to slap myself and get dressed and go to that dinner he wanted so much, I wanted to make up for the lost day, maybe tomorrow? I told myself. I wanted to kiss him a hundred times and go back in time and reschedule the darn seminar.

But I just kissed him back, and said I love him, too. Even if I know nothing can express how much I do.

And then I drifted to sleep.

xox

Tags: date, valentine's, seminar, family

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Empty Nest Syndrome

Nov 15, '09 7:51 PM
for everyone

Last November 11 was my brother's 20th birthday. A few weeks before this, my youngest sister decided not to move in with us in our new home. She was trying to make a point, and wanted to learn things on her own. She said she will not come back until she is someone I can be proud of. (I wasn't sure if it was a promise or a threat) haha. She turned 18 last February.

So to say, my kids are growing up. And fast. I didn't even notice it. And as the realization dawned on me, I felt a small ache (ok, maybe a big ache) in my chest. You know it, wet palms, cold beady sweat, heart thumping at 300kph, the works. And I have never felt more lonely in my life. (Or I couldn't remember being more lonely at that time, anyway)

And so there I was, for the most part wallowing in near-depression about questions like, will they be alright? Will I be alright? Will they be eating properly without me? Will they make big mistakes and turn to me and say, why didn't you warn me? Or would they be eaten up alive by the real world, outside of my warm, protective, and safe nest?

I don't know for sure. And I remember the line in a movie, which title escapes me at the moment; "We just have to watch them go and hope our darnest that we raised them well."

And so I did.

I let them go.

Sure, my brother is still living with me, but he is more grown up than I'd like to think of him. He has nights out with friends, (thank goodness they only do movie marathons and computer games to no end). He no longer holds my hand when we go to the mall, he now prefers to go to the cinemas with friends, as well. He has his own responsibilities, as a working student, both in school and at work. And yes, he does have a girlfriend. And on his birthday, he still came home for the traditional birthday dinner I whip out for every body's birthday. But he went out with his friends after, telling me he'll be home late. And for the first time ever, I spent the rest of the night with the Engineer, on one of my kid's birthday.

It's not that I didn't like it, it was just so new to me. For the first time in probably 6 years now, I did the dishes from the birthday dinner, (it was usually the assignment of either of my kids) it was a mountain of dishes, and I soaked my hand on the warm suds and found an eery quietness about the kitchen. I could hear the TV vaguely from the family room, where the Engineer was picking up more trash and remnants of the day's chaos. And as I was rinsing plate after plate, the suds and bubbles sliding off with the steady faucet water, I found it comforting, like I was making something new out of something tired, and used and old. A new self, perhaps? A new life? A new start?

And so started my empty nest syndrome. My baby girl telling me she needed to learn things the hard way, so be it. And my unico hijo turning into a man of the family. I may not say it, they may not know it yet, or haven't realized still. But I am already very, very proud of them.

Sniff, sniff.

xox

Tags: leaving home, childhood, family, grown up, empty nest syndrome

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My Mom's Journey Home

Oct 19, '09 12:25 AM
for everyone

Recently, I sent out an email to everybody in my mailbox, hoping to give my mom a trail of light leading the way home. Although some of you may know her to be an "absentee" mom, we do have communication, and her occasional box of second hand toys and clothes would somehow tell us that she is fine, and that she remembers.

This year, though, has been trying times for the family, as we lost contact with her early into 2009. We have been trying to ask for information regarding her whereabouts from the embassy and found nothing, since we had very little to go on. The kids and I, including the engineer has been frantic in our search.

The email I sent out was sort of a last resort. I copied it here:

" Hi everyone,

"My name is ...  I live in General Santos City, together with my three siblings, all under my roof and personal care.  I am a sole provider for the family.  I am twenty six years old, a sister, an employee, but most importantly in this story, a daughter.  Some of you may know me personally, some may not really.  I am writing this as a last recourse, and as an appeal to you.  Understand that I may just need someone to listen, or to pour this all out. So here goes.

"Earlier this year, we lost contact with our mother, ... who was in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.  She left a few years ago, and has somehow kept connected with us.  Although her going away did not bring financial solutions to our problems, we were thankful to her sacrifice, a mother being away from her family is terribly hard.  The occasional amount she would be able to send us and the boxes of second-hand toys and clothes veiled our heartbreak, but nonetheless we understood that she wanted to contribute, and this is the only way she saw how.  

"Like I said, earlier in the year, we lost contact with her.  We have requested the embassy, as well as some of our friends who knew people in the area, to help us locate her, though with very little to work on.  She has been careful in giving out her details to us, she didn't tell us the name or address of her employer, all we had to work on was the numbers she used to call us.  Her boxes usually just bore her name and the address, Riyadh, KSA.

"Months dragged on, and we were left painfully struggling to focus on our lives, as well as looking for ways to find her.  We finally connected to her a few months back, on July of 2009.  But we found out from her short phone call, that she has lost everything, and is now in conflict with her employer, as is common in the area.  In fear or being falsely accused and punished, she is now a runaway, and doesn't have her travel papers, or any document to be able to come home.

"We are of course afraid for her safety, and frantic in looking for ways to get her back.  I have attached here the responses I got from the Philippine embassy regarding our inquiries.  But they haven't been too helpful.  

"What we are asking for right now is help from you, in whatever form.  I will not ask you to send this email to a certain number of friends or anything.   You just may be in one way or another be able to help in other ways, like if you have a contact in Riyadh, or the embassy, to help us in sending our mother home, or if you have anybody you know you can help in this matter, please, please, send me a single line, and point us to the right direction. I am also putting up a fund to arrange for this, and this is one of the major problems we are encountering right now, to have to support this whole search, so financially, we need assistance, too.  Finally, I just want a silent prayer intention to help bombard heaven's doors to open up for us.... 

"... I am swallowing my pride, and at this point, I am forgetting all shame.  Just help us get her home.  We are just a real family, with a real victim, with a real crisis.  A real story hoping for a happy ending.  

"You may contact me anytime through this email, or my other one, ..., or by the number ...  Thank you for hearing me out.  Please pray for us.

Sincerely,

... "

As you would deduce from my letter, we were desperate.  But it was a possibility that we will find someone who knew here, or someone who could help... And we did.

This blog is about my grateful heart, for the prayers and support we received from strangers who have come across my letter, for the people who have forwarded the message to people they thought who could help, for the emails of encouragement I received, for the offers of shelter for my mom because of her situation, for everything.
 
I am a better person because of this experience.  I am now a believer in the human person. In the inner grace and generosity everyone has.  I am now aware that in every thunder cloud, as cliche as it may sound, there is, in fact a silver lining.  The angels of the heavens are really present in us, whispering to help us, and pointing us in the right direction.

I am still amazed by the outpouring of support the family has received, and we are now hoping for a happy ending to this unfortunate chapter in our lives.  

Finally, this blog is about restoring my faith, when I though I already had none. I owe it to everyone involved in this event.  And I am forever grateful.

azeiren xox

**I erased our contact details and my name, hope you don't mind. :)

Tags: embassy, ofw, saudi, riyadh, missing mother, help, ocw, kababayan, family

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Nilagang Baka at Buto-buto

Sep 25, '09 4:09 AM
for everyone

Category:

Other

When my dad still used to come home to us, I remember he would always stack up on pecho (beef brisket) and buto-buto (beef bones) so he can request me to cook up a batch of Nilagang Baka for him. It would always be a big deal for me, as I wanted to impress - every single time.

With the kids, my bunso told me one time, "ate, sa tinagal tagal mo nang nagluluto nito, hindi pa talaga nagbago ang panimpla mo, ni minsan". (ate, over the years of you cooking this dish, it has always been consistent to this taste). And I loved her for it. It's not that I don't try new recipes, coz I do. And quite often actually. But every once in a while, the memories and the comfort of the good old nilagang baka always hits home on my dinner table. And so, with the addition of the Engineer to my family, it was natural that this is still one of my best sellers for him.

What we love to use:

Pecho ng Baka, sliced serving size (half kilo)
Buto-buto ng baka, for a flavorful broth (1/4 to 1/2 kilo)
1 medium sized cabbage head
1 bunch of Pechay
around 2 cups sliced potatoes (4-6 pcs)
3 to 4 pcs of saging na saba (plantain bananas), not too ripe, please
a bunch of siling daliri (mild chili pepper)
2 medium sized onions
fish sauce & pepper to taste

How?

I like to choose pecho in this recipe, because it is easy to tenderize, and its really flavorful. If you're not careful, though, it is also very fatty. So I choose the "leaner" pecho. That is, with the least visible fat possible. I boil the buto-buto, and and add the pecho. It's not as easy as it sounds, I know. I like to cook this on a "gatong" type of stove, so I get good flame under it, and boil it for a couple hours. (Yes, hours) To get that really falovorful broth you're looking for. If you have a pressure cooker, you can use that, too. When I'm a little pressed for time, I do to, but I still prefer mine cooked in gatong. hihi. Once that is tender, I add in the onions, and the siling daliri. This cooks the siling daliri quite well, and adds a little bite to the broth. This is also when I season the broth with fish sauce and pepper, just to my taste.

I then drop in the potatoes, and simmer until that's just about done. Then I add the saba, simmer a little more, and drop in the cabbage, and pechay. I turn off the heat completely at this point, and just let it stand for a couple of minutes till the pechay turns its pretty cooked color, and serve it - hot.

Enjoy the rainy season with this classic.

Tags: nilaga, nilagang baka, beef broth, sabaw, pecho, buto-buto

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Keinne, in your memory

Sep 22, '09 6:07 AM
for everyone

My dear Keinne passed away two weeks ago. On a gloomy afternoon, he left us, his family, and it is just today that I can finally write about it. We have loved him like no other, me, especially, as his "mom". He has always been very protective of me, getting upset when he sees me crying over something, he would bark incessantly at anybody he thinks might be causing the tears. I remember my Keinne got mad at the Engineer when he thought he was the cause of my crying. He wouldn't let the Engineer near me, as I cried softly on our bed. I had to start laughing at this antic, they were playing patentero, with Keinne blocking the way of the Engineer who was trying to get to me to console me. When he realized I was no longer crying, he satisfactory sat by my bedside, licking my extended hand.

Oh, how I would miss walking with him in the afternoons at the park. Where I don't even need to put his leash on, he just walks by me all the time. Or run around me like a satellite while we took that stroll. He would stop when I stopped and run after me when I broke into a sprint. There was a point, after my operation, when I was confined to my bed for nearly a month. I knew he loved the walk the Engineer would give him, but he would run back to me, to check why I wasn't coming with them... and linger for a while before he hesitantly went with the Engineer instead. When I was well enough to talk short strolls again, I would stop every so often, and sit down, afraid not to stress my stitches and risk internal bleeding. And he would be there, sitting down with me. He would then play fetch with me just sitting there, and him bringing back his chew toy for me to throw again and again. He would pull on my jogging pants, or my shirt as I sat indian style the grass, and wonder why I was not running after him, but when he starts to see I'm in pain or that I'm tired, he would just stay there, and walk slowly with me until we get home.

My Keinne was a great watchdog. He would get suspicious over guys hanging around the front door, and get mad if they got too close. But when he sees me welcome them as visitors, he would fold his ears back and sit back down.

My Keinne loved me. And I can not say how much I loved him back. His play mate Sean, and the kids and the Engineer, and I. We will miss him terribly.

Tags: pet, pomeranian, dog, keinne

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Hand Shadows and Monsters

Jun 15, '09 6:25 AM
for everyone

Growing up, my kids and I used to play hand shadows. The eery light coming from the outside lamp post would shine right across our room which was facing the street. We would draw the curtains even more when we weren't sleepy, and watch the weird shadows that would dance across our bare wall. It would always be cold outside (we grew up in Baguio City) and we huddle like eskimos during our story telling bouts, under a giant blanket, with only our hands showing, making those odd figures that would dance around on that wall. We giggled like crazy until our kuya or aunt knocked at our door, reminding us that it was already waaaaay past our bedtimes. I would turn serious for a while, of course, and give a token scolding. Which we laugh off in about a few minutes anyway.

Our stories would be about monsters and princesses, (what else do young kids talk about?) but occasionaly, my little boy would cast shadows of dinasours and giant dogs to gobble up everything else. He'd stand by the window and make the biggest shadows, and all the rest would scamper around and away from this giant thing, and try to look for light left unblocked, so that we can continue making bunny rabbits and swans and other cute sweet stuff.

We would make noises and little voices and stories sewed up as we go, and we would end up back in our blanket, after we decide how the figures, gobbled up by the giant would then be too salty and spit out later, or, like pinochio, tickle the monster until he threw up th epoor little thing out.

If you're still reading, you're probably wondering what's the point of all this. Well, I don't know either. But one thing is for sure, like countless bonding moments, these were the stories that stick with you until you grow old. These are the memories we wouldn't mind reliving in our heads, over and over again. These are the times that we can never replace, or take back, or go back to. And I'm so happy I got to spend them when I had the chance. I wish you all happy memories like mine to relive and remember. So start making them with your kids now. Nothing beats good old quality time, with whole lots of TLC.

xox
azeiren

Tags: hand shadow, games, childhood, monsters

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Mainit na Sopas

Jun 11, '09 5:32 AM
for everyone

Category:

Other

Yup, we love sopas - those cooked macaroni pasta in thick milky soup, with chunks of chicken, sausages and strips of veggies - especially during rainy days! It's relatively easy to do also. You can have a warm, tummy satisfying bowl in less than an hour.

What we love to use:

Chicken, soup chopped
Sausages, out of the can or packed
Ginger,Garlic & Onion, for sauteing
Baguio Beans
Sayote
Carrots
Cabbage
Milk
Spring Onions, for garnishing
Fish sauce and pepper to taste
Macaroni of course!

How?

Saute the chicken until cooked in ginger, garlic & onions. Add fish sauce and pepper to taste. Add all the sausages, cut thinly, and the veggies, cut in strips. I don't stop stirring because I use very little oil, so I don't want the veggies sticking to my pan or being overly done. When the veggies get just the about a pretty tint to it, i mix in the pre-boiled macaroni pasta, some water enough to just about cover everything, and simmer a bit for around 5 to 10 minutes. I then add the evaporated milk, some more fish sauce to my taste, and garnish with sprinng onion diced, and a dash of pepper.

I serve with puto, and whoala! A hearty meal for dinner, where my kids just get as much as their tummies can handle. (Don't worry, the warm soup fills them quite fast, and they don't have to eat rice with it) Or you can also serve it as a heavy morning snack, to fuel them throughout the rest of the day!

Enjoy!

Tags: sopas

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Me in the Frames

May 30, '09 2:17 AM
for everyone

Just random stuff with me in the frame (talk about vanity), so you'd know how camera shy I am..

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Banana Split Saturday

Apr 17, '09 11:52 PM
for everyone

Category:

Other

Ok, so I'm supposed to post informative cooking solutions when you're cooking for a family of four in this portion of my site. But from time to time, I guess it's good when i treat my kids out, (and myself) to a cone of ice cream at the mall, or if I'm feeling mighty generous, why not a bowl of banana split? And i'll tell you, the conversations over this simple bowl of sliced banana, ice cream and sprinkled sinfully with all the toppings they have, will be enough to fuel my mommy aching heart throughout the week. Hope you have enough of what I received this weekend!

Tags: banana split, thoughts, outing, family

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